I've got some things rolling around in my head, and I want to hear your opinions.
First of all, in the Bible, everyone is commanded to honor their parents. Their is no age cut-off, or any stipulation on what kind of parent it is.
We've all heard that honoring your parents includes respecting and obeying.
Here's the question: If one does not "respect" his parent, but still treats him with respect, is he obeying the command?
Now, think about that, and then let's take it further. What about the child who is molested by a parent? Do you really think that child will ever respect their parent? Is it commanded? Or is it enough to just obey and treat with respect?
13 comments:
My answer to your specific question is yes, if you treat your parents with respect and honor them as a parent then you have obeyed the commandment. I think it is common for us to perceive actions such as honor, respect and especially love as being emotions. While it is true that there may well be many emotional issues surrounding or accompanying these actions it remains that these actions are made based on our determination to do so. If our determination is based on our desire to do as God commands in spite of our feelings to the contrary then I see this as nothing less than submitting your will to the will of God.
With respect to honor I think that the means whereby we honor another varies according to our relationship with them. I will withhold my reasoning on that for the moment and only pray that God gives wisdom.
I generally see rules as guidelines. A parent also an obligation or a duty to be a good parent which means supporting the child and treating them in a certain way. I think a lot of parents forget that part.
OK I guess it is time for more self exposure along with a willingness to be uncomfortable ...kinda.
Having grown up in a home where we were raped, beat, neglected, belittled, ignored and so on and so forth you can come from there and honor your "parents"
Me honoring them has nothing to do with there behavior as parents, it has everything to do with attempting to obey. I don't have to get together for family functions or the like that is not part of it. I do check on my living "dad" make sure of his well being and am there if needed. We took care of my now deceased mother in our home and I showed her as well as my dad , mercy, respect , love and all of those things not shown to me.
I could not do it if I did not understand that first and always will be first regardless of who they were, they are a created human with the same shot at heaven that I have.
I could not do it if I had one spec of bitterness, that is the most deadly thing someone like me with my past could have because it keeps you in your past and you have no future.
I can do it cause God allows me to see beyond there actions but I do it with wisdom. No children are left in either ones care. I check up on dad find out if he has time unaccounted for, if other kids are in his realm of destruction, even though he claims not to be the way he was kids don't get to be proof of that.
This does not mean its all roses and sometimes the thought of taking care of dad as age hits is not an easy pill to swallow, but I will if called to and I will with honor to him even if the only thing I can see in him worth any thing is my wonderful sister and brother. I did not and do not allow close contact with my now grown daughters and I never will, respectful yes. The few times I am at his house it is cordial and I check on his wife to make sure she is ok. Honoring is giving them there place, but it does not mean you have to have a intimate relationship with them. Like it or not he is my earthly father and because of that I will honor his position as such.
That is my heart on the matter I can not say it is right or wrong..I just prefer to stand on the love side of stuff and if I am wrong then so be it.
Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone
I agree with KC. I would add a side comment though.
If a parent/s are doing things in the present that unjust or immoral, then I think KC is right, we go past our emotions and submit our will to God.
If on the other hand a parent/s has done something unjust in the past(how far past? I don't know) and I am having trouble with honor and respect from my heart then maybe I need to see if there is unforgiveness that needs to be dealt with.
my .02 Kristi
Thank you all. This is so helpful. I wanted to see how people who were "outside" this situation view things.
Mrs. Zeke, thanks for sharing all that with us. You must be a very strong woman. Your testimony is inspiring.
Stephanie said...
Hahaha so funny that you should ask this question, because I have been faced with a somewhat similar dilemma myself (but different in that there was no molestation involved, thank God!)
I think that just like we can love someone, yet not like them, I think the same goes for respect and honor. We can show our parent who has hurt us respect, and honor them by having an appreciation for thier determination to raise us with food on the table and a roof over our head, we don't HAVE to RESPECT them. There IS a difference. And I'm in the process of trying to figure out exactly how that works myself. Good question Kristi.
P.S. Sorry, but I'm going to spam you now as well :)
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i think I'm with the general consensus there, we honor our parents not for who they are but for who we are and because we honor God, we respect them as being placed in authority over us because God choose these people to be our parents, we love them as God loves them, and we obey them in so much as we obey God first.
I think if your heart is obedient your actions will follow.
I understand honoring our parents to take on different forms over our life stages. As a child honoring our parents does mean to obey them in whatever they ask as long as obeying does not involve sin.
As one matures into an adult, I'm not sure that submitting to one's parents in everything is appropriate, healthy, or honoring to our parents.
But maybe it is more a matter of emphasis that troubles me here. As a child we need to obey our parents because we have not learned the principles or values we need to live life by. But by the time we are an adult, successful parenting should have installed in us the principles and values on which we make decisions. It should now no longer be a matter of obeying our parents but rather our making right choices because we have been taught and learned the right principles and values.
I don't know. Am I making any sense here?
I agree with Katie :)
We choose to respect and honor our parents only if we can glorify God as a result of our actions.
We really need wisdom from our Lord. Some situations can be really tricky. If we obey our parents but dishonour God in that circumstances, then I'll choose disobedience towards my parents so that I won't commit any sin intentionally.
Kristi, you have been given a lot of good advice on this provocative question. May I offer a slightly differing perspective?
The word "honor" as it appears in Exodus 20:12, where we are commanded to honor our parents, is also used in several places in the OT to describe our worship of God. Without giving a long theological dissertation here, let me say that I believe it refers to giving the weight or honor to someone that is DUE to them, that is, what they deserve.
As Thomas already mentioned, there is a great responsibility on the part of parents as well. No parent is perfect, we all know that, but there are certain failures (molestation would certainly fall into this category) in which I believe a parent forfeits all worthiness of being honored.
This never gives anyone a right to mistreat their parents. But I do believe that a parent who deliberately and maliciously violates the holy trust of parenthood loses their right of honor from their child.
Any parent who lovingly labors to raise and provide for their child is due all the respect in the world. This respect would include forgiving that parents imperfections and shortcomings.
This is just my opinion.
I agree that honoring parents is not conditional upon their treatment of you. In some cases it's easier, and in some cases, it's insanely difficult.
As has been established here, the bible uses the word "honor" is many ways. I don't have the count handy, but it seems to me that a great numbers of those uses refer to blessing someone financially (such as 1 Tim, which speaks of certain church elders being worthy of double-honor for working so hard.).
Could honoring our parents mean making sure they're taken care of or materially contributing to their well-being? Simply being nice to them doesn't seem worthy of a commandment. Just thinking.
I agree I don't think being nice has much to do with anything when your dealing with the extreme. But nice and kind are different. I think kind has something to do with honoring, but kind does not mean accepting bad behavior from. Many people who know me think I am nuts to even talk to my parents but maybe I am.
Here is the hook if we keep demonizing people like parents who do awful things to there children the cycle repeats. No discussion means no chance of intercession and secrecy is the cup in which all things awful are filled. I am not talking about fair punishment for crimes only about demonizing i.e. stripping hope that there is any way to change.
If we always tell children who are victims that they are victims now and forever we have offered an excuse to behave badly.
This does not mean of course that they do but often what is taught is repeated.
The cycle really and truly breaks when the child can be in the parents world and realize the parent no longer has any control, there is almost an absolute freedom in that but it only happens when a child can look at the parent without the past crimes hanging in front of there eyes, until then there past is there future. When you can look at a parent freely is when you can honor before that it is an attempt in my opinion to control what you never could.
We all know what happens when "we" try to control things.
love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone
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