Also, I am trying out a much freer form of poetry than what I usually write in. So let me know what you think about that. Good or Bad.
Raw and Real
By Kristi Reese
“I need to make a confession.”
(I know it’s somewhat cliché,
But it’s what I need to say.)
I can no longer handle the suppression
Of this great misconception.
Some words of mine have not been true.
This faith, the hope, the love, trust and strength
I often write about
Seems so good and wonderful to you.
But please, listen, if you only knew—
It’s not who I am.
It’s who I want to be;
Who I should be;
Who I was raised to be;
Who YOU think I am,
But NOT who I am.
I am a wretched sinner
I’m no winner
In this race of life.
I’ve a heart darker than the night.
Rarely do others see the light
That should shine from within.
Instead, doubt, guilt, hate, jealousy, pride,
Anger, rebellion, disrespect, apathy, and lies
Are the more common fruits of my spirit.
I know you don’t want to hear it.
Who does?
But this is raw and real,
So this is the real deal.
Who am I kidding here?
I talk of living with passion this year.
But do I really want to change?
Yes, I want to change.
But do I change?
No, I’m stuck in my own selfish ways,
Trapped by my insecurities each passing day,
And my lack of faith in my God.
My God.
Who has done so much for me.
Who has given me blessings of greatest degree
And even died in agony to set me free.
Me.
This ungrateful wretch who won’t even appreciate Him enough
To stop thinking about myself long enough
To pass the joy of Christ to others along the way?
This broken and hardened piece of clay
Who lets Him down every day?
Free.
Free from this unnecessary weight of guilt
I choose to carry. From this suppressing bondage
Of living for the master of sin.
I’m bound,
Though I’ve been found
And now the ground
All around
Feels the impact of my fall.
What a complete disappointment I must be.
My heart is heavy,
My eyes cannot see
For the tears in the way.
My mind is blurred.
I need to meditate on the Word.
My confession in a nutshell:
I’m not as good and wonderful as you think.
If your trust is in man, be prepared to sink,
Because just as quickly as you can blink
You will be let down,
Disappointed,
Heart-broken.
Look to God,
And earnestly pray for your brothers and sisters,
Because the ones you hear about later in whispers
Will be just the ones you thought had it all together.
And then it’s only up to you, whether
You fall with them or stay true
(I know it’s somewhat cliché,
But it’s what I need to say.)
I can no longer handle the suppression
Of this great misconception.
Some words of mine have not been true.
This faith, the hope, the love, trust and strength
I often write about
Seems so good and wonderful to you.
But please, listen, if you only knew—
It’s not who I am.
It’s who I want to be;
Who I should be;
Who I was raised to be;
Who YOU think I am,
But NOT who I am.
I am a wretched sinner
I’m no winner
In this race of life.
I’ve a heart darker than the night.
Rarely do others see the light
That should shine from within.
Instead, doubt, guilt, hate, jealousy, pride,
Anger, rebellion, disrespect, apathy, and lies
Are the more common fruits of my spirit.
I know you don’t want to hear it.
Who does?
But this is raw and real,
So this is the real deal.
Who am I kidding here?
I talk of living with passion this year.
But do I really want to change?
Yes, I want to change.
But do I change?
No, I’m stuck in my own selfish ways,
Trapped by my insecurities each passing day,
And my lack of faith in my God.
My God.
Who has done so much for me.
Who has given me blessings of greatest degree
And even died in agony to set me free.
Me.
This ungrateful wretch who won’t even appreciate Him enough
To stop thinking about myself long enough
To pass the joy of Christ to others along the way?
This broken and hardened piece of clay
Who lets Him down every day?
Free.
Free from this unnecessary weight of guilt
I choose to carry. From this suppressing bondage
Of living for the master of sin.
I’m bound,
Though I’ve been found
And now the ground
All around
Feels the impact of my fall.
What a complete disappointment I must be.
My heart is heavy,
My eyes cannot see
For the tears in the way.
My mind is blurred.
I need to meditate on the Word.
My confession in a nutshell:
I’m not as good and wonderful as you think.
If your trust is in man, be prepared to sink,
Because just as quickly as you can blink
You will be let down,
Disappointed,
Heart-broken.
Look to God,
And earnestly pray for your brothers and sisters,
Because the ones you hear about later in whispers
Will be just the ones you thought had it all together.
And then it’s only up to you, whether
You fall with them or stay true
To your God.
17 comments:
hi my name is mohsen dareini
i am a librarian , i am from iran, i like your blog, i like your poem
Kristi,
"Raw and Real" was awesome!
What Christian has it all together? Not one! It's so easy (for me anyway) to act like things are swell and dandy with the Lord, when in fact they are not. Ah but what a marvelous Savior we have who has made some things true of us whether we live out of those realities or not!!
Have you read "Scandelous Freedom" by Steve Brown?? if you haven't, read it, it's awesome!!!!
GODBLESS,
NATE
Thanks for sharing the truth, Kristi! I think we all feel this way sometimes, but you know we do our best every day thinking things will improve little by little and in the end realize our complete and utter failure! Thanks for pointing out the truth of depending on the Lord for the strength to change, because He knows better than we ever could of how sinful and wretched we truly are many times and how much we desperately need Him!!! Love you!
Your poem rings true. It's who we are, and knowing it helps us cling closer to God. Your honest is a breath of fresh air.
Thanks.
Welcome, Mohsen and thanks.
Nate, I looked up that book. I have not read it before, but looks like I need to get it and read. Thanks for the recommendation.
Dahlia, thanks yo! So true what you wrote.
Seeker, thanks for your encouragement.
Kristi,
That about sums us the Christian life... OK... next lesson. :)
Very well written. I'm not much on poetry, but that one does capture our struggle and reminds me of a poem that Bohnoffer wrote in prison, that was very similar.
BTW, I think this reality that we live with is why Jesus was constantly reminding us that nothing could rip us away from His hands... and Paul echoed that reality as well. We need to be reminded, that even in ou hypocrisy, Christ still reigns supreme.
Blessings
Kristi,
Take heart. Paul struggled with the same issues.
Romans 7:15-25
"For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then that a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inner man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Although it is hard, and we sin more than do good it seems, sin will not win in our lives ultimately. I thank God for sending His Son, for it is impossible to do any good without Him. It is impossible to want to do any good without Him. I look forward to the Day when we no longer have this problem with sin and we are made perfect in Him.
God Bless,
Beth
Kristi,
Your poem is exactly what I deal with in my heart. What I write when it comes to life in Christ is often where I want to be and not where I am. The words to this poem described me to the T. If left to myself I would self destruct.
There are words to one song that always keep me going when I do an inventory of my heart and find that its pretty black in there....just like your poem said. These are the words that I cling to:
I am Your beloved, Your creation, and you love me as I am. You have called me chosen for Your kingdom; You're not ashamed to call me Your own. I am your beloved.....
Thank you Jesus for allowing us to see who we are in light of who you are.
I don't know how you did it, but you wrote about me in that poem....
God is really blessing Jacki and I right now. I am so excited about things i just have to tell someone. And your poem reminded me of the only poem I have ever written http://jowiki.blogspot.com/2004/10/me-you-see.html
I am sure you read it before but anyhow. See ya later.
Kristi: Thanks for letting me know about this. Great poem. God's purpose for us here is to conform us to the image of Christ. We can't do that without admitting our sin and our failures and deciding that we're going to let God fill our lives more everyday in the process of sanctification until we close our eyes in death.
I really think that's the important part--sanctification. Are you striving to be more perfect? To be Holy?
God bless
Kristi,
Yet, God loves you! The most wonderful thing of it all is that He does not look at us as we look at ourselves; He looks at us by seeing what we will become! He knows what an awesome person you are, but He is looking at the greater person you are becoming!
Kristi, you put into words what my heart feels every day. You are gifted with a voice (ability to speak truth) that never ceases to amaze me.
Titus and Beth--thanks. You two are very sweet.
Bill, I do not believe we are alone in this struggle. All Christians face battles with the flesh. God's strength will sustain us.
Josh, I'm interested to hear how God is blessing you and Jacki! Yes, I remember reading that poem of yours. Good one.
Luke, thanks for coming by. Good reminders.
Ron, Yes, that is the beauty of it all. In spite of ourselves, God still loves us.
Katie, thanks so much! You are a very gifted writer yourself. Keep it up!
Shoot, I dont even need to say anything.
You know this is on my wavelength
God bless!
kristi:
I can't grade you on your style of poetry, because I can't even begin to write a decent poem.
But your message is accurate and Christians daily struggle with this impefection that we have while we are in the body. As with most of the comments left here, I can very much relate to what you have written. Thank God that he is faithful and loves us so much that "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ROMANS 5:8
Keep the faith!
Sound thoughts.
"I need to make a confession..."
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
—1 John 1:9
"It’s not who I am. It’s who I want to be; ..."
"For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice."
—Romans 7:19
"I am a wretched sinner..."
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,."
—Romans 3:23
"And even died in agony to set me free..."
"For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God."
—Romans 6:10
"Free from this unnecessary weight of guilt I choose to carry. From this suppressing bondage"
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our sins from us."
—Psalms 103:12
Kristi, keep inspiring, writing, thinking, being "preachy," "sharing," and studying Scripture :)
If you can inspire and challenge a person to think or examine their heart, then you're most assuredly doing something worth doing... and that's what you are doing.
I have neither the gift nor the talent for poetic prose like you do... I'm too technical. You have a trenchant pen and a remarkable creative ingenuity that is to be commended. Bravo young lady!
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