Though I'd hoped against hope,
And brought my desires to God,
I'm still trying to cope
With heaven's disappointing nod.
Why does it hurt so bad?
I knew this end was probable.
Why do I feel so sad?
This just didn't seem possible.
Was it that hard a task?
I wanted something very small.
Was it too much to ask
For this one to give you his all?
The only one who's proved
To want more than friendship with me.
Why couldn't You have moved
That our hearts could beat in unity?
So many wasted years
Holding fast to an empty dream.
Why not just face my fears
And release this hopeful gleam.
But no. I see God move--
Slightly, but unmistakable.
I'll just wait while God proves
His word to be unbreakable.
So I'll hope against hope
And commit to prayer once again.
And pray I can cope
With what I find in the end.
16 comments:
kristi, that was beautiful
Bravo Kristi!
But Christ as a Son over His own house, whose house we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end.
—Hebrews 3:6
Lay hold of hope, and turn your hope into a Blessed Assurance ever mindful of the promises of God. If God be for us? Who can be against us?
Kristi, This poem (song? you should talk to steve!) is really pretty! Wonderfully done!
On another note: I just saw your myspace & figured out how to add you as a friend. That took a while, since i'm not entirely into the myspace thing.
But! What I couldn't help noticing was: UT - everywhere. You're moving to Texas this fall? Austin? Can you point me toward the blog entry(ies) where you talk about that?
I'm completely clueless. And, yea!!!
What a great way to work out your feelings of disappointment, which are totally normal. Keep holding fast to hope---God's answers, whether "yes" or "no", "now" or "later", are ALWAYS good. He can't be any other way.
Katie, thanks!
Ryan, thanks for those verses.
Jes, first, thanks. Second, I AM moving to Texas in August, if everything goes according to plan. I haven't really blogged about it yet, because it's been kind of a gradual decision. But, soon, when I get a chance, I'll do a blog entry about my move... the why's, when's and how's! The UT deal is because I've always been a huge Texas Longhorns fan! Hook em horns! yeah, anyways...
Lorie, thanks for your understanding and encouragement.
Wait! But are you moving to Dallas?
Either way, what a big life-change! And to me, it is so exciting for you!
No Jes, sorry, San Antonio. But my best friend is getting married in October and moving to the Dallas area, so I'm sure I'll be there to visit, and hopefully get to meet all you great people that live there!
Whee, Kristi, yes you must meet all us Texas folks.
And on the subject of this post, I keep re-reading the poem because I like it so much.
Your verses seem to be a good way to work through disappointment and keep moving forward however difficult if feels.
Very nice poem Kristi.
I'll bet every wild hog in Texas is scared silly now that you are moving there.
Can't wait to read the post about your decision to move to Texas.
I'm bummed still that I'll not be moving there as I'd hoped...
Hey Kristi, Saw the poem, kind of know how you feel
Ms. Reese,
"Second, I AM moving to Texas..." I am willing to betcha you will stay in South Carolina with your family ;-)
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all of our exploring
Will be to arrive first where we started
And know the place for the first time"
—T.S. Eliot
Whatever move you make- please do so with prayerful consideration. Far be it for me to be overanalytical, but I tried to listen and hope I am not picking up static, but I sense a little uneasiness in your mind and heart about the future, as evident by your recent wave of writings. Uneasiness compels us to action by leaps and bounds into unchartered territory.
I've found in my experience that sometimes I seek to do something dramatic to shake things up—in the midst of anxiety. After I ran out of money and motivation for law school, and reluctantly quit, and I went through doldrums and angst over my future. While there, I was double-minded because I was joint law and divinity, and having some struggles spiritually and in professional contemplation. And I kept posing the question, "which way?" Maybe I had to choose between the two (Mt. 6:24). Then I had my plans scuttled altogether. I now see it as a test. One needs to embrace discipleship with zeal and progress in sanctification before more ministry responsibility comes. We all must realize we have a ministry right now. I needed humility as well, and character is forged in adversity.
At first, I was excited about contemplating moving to D.C. and being a staffer on Capitol Hill or working for a think tank, then I was thinking about moving to Florida. And I would say with that fervor of conviction you espouse, I am doing this or I am doing that. The cost-of-living wasn't really ideal either way. When I was in Virginia Beach in 2003-04, I was living on subsistence level because my cost of living was expensive. But economics are besides the point.
I looked at Jonah, and his example of how he ran from God's will.
And the LORD God prepared a plant and made it come up over Jonah, that it might be shade for his head to deliver him from his misery. So Jonah was very grateful for the plant. But as morning dawned the next day God prepared a worm, and it so damaged the plant that it withered. And it happened, when the sun arose, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat on Jonah’s head, so that he grew faint. Then he wished death for himself, and said, “It is better for me to die than to live.” Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?”
—Jonah 4:6-9
The plant in the allegory may be analagous to my plans, and I found comfort in them, but they ultimately faltered, and God frustrated my designs and schemes.
Ultimately, we confront the reality that we find security and trust in God and His providential provision. Consider reading Jerry Bridges book Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts. Someone got that for me as a gift earlier this year. It's an insightful book that gives encouragement. Charles Stanley's Finding Peace is helpful as well.
Now, I sense providence might keep me at home or within a few hours of home one state over. Perhaps more graduate/professional studies are on the horizon, but everything works out in God's timing. I know education doesn't make the man however.
Bear in mind, my plans were my plans, and perhaps offer no parallel to your plans, but I just offered this as an example. If God's hand is in your endeavor, then you can count on His blessing, but if if not, he may frustrate your plans to get you where He wants You to be—and I don't just mean geographically, I mean spiritually. He chastens us out of Love however, and that's something we should never lose sight of.
"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the LORD's counsel that will stand."
—Proverbs 19:21
Seek God's will, and just don't make a big move for reasons of anxiety and insecurity. In any case, Godspeed in whatever move you make. Just make sure you move for the right reasons. Perhaps God is breaking and forming you now. Those storms in our life can wake us up, and set us free from our own self-centeredness, and bring us to recognition of our unequivocal dependence on Almighty God.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
—Matthew 6:33
Again, you are quite the poet!
A fellow sojourner,
Ryan
P.S. I hope I am being perceived as concerned, and not nosy
Wow Kristi!
I love the last paragraph very much.
Why am I just now seeing this? I'm last to arrive at the party!
Yeah, poetry is a great source of catharsis. I figured that out when I was 17 and it's stuck with me ever since -- glad you're also in the club.
that was beautiful, kristi!
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